Ugh... Tired...

So, drama over. Not exactly in a great way, but less there than usual. I'll deal with it later, I hope.

So Otakon was a blast. I wandered quite a bit. I saw many people in costumes. Some were kind of bad. Some were kind of good. Some were great. I loved most of the costumes I saw. There was even a pair of scouts (TF2) who had down all the animations and sounds to the T. I really enjoyed all the cosplay, for the most part.

There were also some panels and workshops that were interesting. I saw a Miyasaki panel and now I know that I have to watch a dozen more films that I had never even given a second glance to earlier. My friends also dragged me to a panel about Mechas and I dragged them to a workshop on Calligraphy.

Also great was the Artist Alley and Dealer's Room. I managed to get out of the whole experience only buying one thing, and it wasn't even for myself. I'm surprised though, because I was really tempting to just go on a shopping spree. There were so many things I wanted. This was the first time I had any inclination of how to decorate my walls, my shelves, and even myself. I want some of the hats they had there. I just don't ever feel responsible when I spend money on myself. I have no problem spending money on other people though. I guess it's just in my nature to avoid selfish tendencies. That doesn't stop me from being selfish when I don't realize that I'm doing it, but I usually feel best when I'm making sure other people feel their best.

Still, there are things I like to have for myself. Those things include the items that were on my Christmas List which has now gotten longer. It now also includes a set of Steampunk goggles and a hat to match. Though, these are all material things. What I really want for myself isn't quite as tangible. I want caring. I want people who will listen. I want to share myself with as many people as I can. This is what is important to me. Having a person who can help me with those things is important to me. Knowing how to change who I am in order to happily communicate with anyone and everyone that I meet is important to me. I want to be the people I look up to. Xander ranks high On the list of people I look up to. But I understand that Xander is only a character. Still, he has a personality. He would give up everything if he could protect his friends. He doesn't get down often. He knows where he stands most of the time. He has some rage and some jealousy, but he never lets it ruin his relationships.

I need to figure out a half decent way to cosplay Xander. I could style my hair like his, and maybe even wear an eyepatch, but I don't think it could outfit clothing properly to display Xander. I would have to do it all with personality. I think it could be done. That's my goal for Otakon 2011. I want to cosplay some Buffy character. It could be Angel, Spike, or Xander, but whomever I choose, I need to perfect it. For some reason, this is important to me.

And so it begins

Otakon is here. Well, it's there. It's on. I'm just not there to experience it because we're waiting for the guy with a car so we can get there. The girls are preparing their outfits and the guys are sitting around waiting. When our ride gets here we'll have to wait for him to get in costume too. And my hair is all messed up. I forgot my brush. Thankfully I can borrow a hair brush, unlike a toothbrush.

I guess it's really late for a post when we're supposed to leave in 15 minutes, but that happens some times. I hope it's fun. It's likely I will have fun. If I don't it won't be because of the lack of fun things. It will be if she absolutely ignores me. They said the best friend's boyfriend didn't have fun last year. They say I'm like him. I know how he feels. There's all this great stuff around, but it's hard to enjoy it when it seems like she's actively ignoring me. You know people would suspect less if you acted like I'm actually one of your friends. Oh well.

So our ride is here. That means we have to be going soon. I guess I'm not going to be writing a long post. Well, long story short, still upset that she'd rather play online games with people who are in the room with her (and live in NJ with her) than sit down with me. I'm pretty sure she can do that when she's at home and I'm not around. It makes me feel like we don't have anything in common. This makes me feel more like I need to conform to her activities than does her telling me what they are. So instead of me being swayed by her, I have to investigate enough that I can be swayed by her, which makes me feel stalker-esque and desperate. Huh... Sometimes I hate myself.


EDIT:
Lukas does not censor his own work, but must note that hindsight is 20/20. She was debating breaking up with me during this time period. I would have avoided me too. I certainly wouldn't want to cuddle with someone who pissed me off for a month and didn't even look sorry for it.