Late... for everything

As is normal Lukas behavior I started out worried and hopeful. Then once I became comfortable I started getting later and later. I showed up for work today at 10:22 AM even though my work starts at 10:00 AM. Why does this happen? I think it has to do with the fact that I feel asleep on the train and missed my stop. But I was actually rhetorically asking why this happens in general, and not why it happened today. I think as I feel more comfortable with a job I am less worried about getting fired because I know that my work is quality stuff. It could be that I'm bored with my job and my subconscious really just wants me to be fired. Most likely is my inability to keep a normal sleep schedule. I get tired around 11 PM or 12 AM but I generally don't go to sleep until 2 AM. As the lack of sleep builds, I continually get to work later and later and stay up just a little bit longer each night. I really need to go to sleep right when I get home from work today, but I would lose all of my free time. I would wake up, go to work, go home, and sleep. At least, my Wednesdays, when I leave work at 8 PM, would be empty of fun. In an effort to grasp the little amount of fun I have, I have been doing very little around the house. This is pissing off my dad and ruining yet another aspect of my life. Then again, today my dad got upset at me for making me lunch too slowly. Cooking food is never something that should be done in haste. And my dad is the man that made me 10 minutes late to my first class every day of high school. He's the one who always had one more thing to do before we could leave. I truthfully don't feel any kind of regret for spending the necessary time making my lunch. I regret many other things, but that's not one of them.

Basically, I'm ruining my life to hold onto the thin grasp of fun I have left. Now I think I understand what my dad feels often, however fun for him can't be attained in front of a computer. I personally don't know whether life would be better feeling crappy all time when not playing, or being just pretty okay almost all the time and just never playing. My solution in late high school was to fall asleep during classes. I didn't feel crappy and I got to play. I just didn't learn all that much... This really does follow that old saying, "Grades, sleep, social life; pick two." So far I have been giving up sleep, but I actually might just give up social life, because my sleep situation is falling way out of control and my parents would kill me if I ever even thought of dropping the grades and work.

You know, I actually tried very hard to not have a job this summer. I even told my dad that I didn't want one. He really didn't care. He wanted me to have a job. I don't see why. I've always been told that I only have so much youth and that I have to take full advantage of it, but how can you take full advantage of youth when people are making you constantly work? All these chores that my dad gives me because he's too lazy to do them, I would be able to do them if I didn't have work. My dad has been actively telling me that he doesn't see any value in these games but... that's just a fairly stupid statement. These games are what keeps the current generation sane and enthused. Without them I would have little reason to wake up. I'm not saying my life is empty, but my friends all live a least half an hour drive away. My girlfriend lives 2 states over. I'm just saying that without a computer, my life would be better spent in solitude. My friends would be too far to see often, and many people who do live close enough are all unintelligent and frustrating. How would my dad feel if I took away his bicycles and television? I don't even tell him that I find them worthless. I really should. I feel he would just shrug it off so I think the whole scheme is pointless. Eh...

Well, I'm going to work on sleeping more and not losing any play time. It may work out, and it may not. Whatever happens, I feel my life will feel better with a rested Lukas in it.